Tag Archives: Reframing our Fertility

Infertility: may it be soon, and may it be forever

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be_here_now_by_mivthevampire-d39u6ybRecently one of my most dear friends relayed to me her every day prayer for my husband and me “may it be soon, and may it be forever.”

No matter where you are on your fertility journey this one prayer is the one silently uttered in the hearts of each person, and so eloquently expressed by my friend. The difficult part however is the relative nature of it all. When is soon, and how will I know it’s forever?

And so for me, and for all of the “we” who make up those journeying through IF, seeking what’s on the other side, whether motherhood or a content life with a key role in the “Auntie Tribe,” I share one thought, just one simple thought, from one of my favorite songs by Ray LaMontagne:

“Be here now, be here now
Be, be here now, be here now”

Don’t let this day pass you by. Don’t let this moment slip from your grips without you savoring its sweetness. Don’t let tomorrow steal one glance, one smile, one hug. Be here now.

Trip over joy because you do not have a thousand more serious moves, you only have to surrender to today, and to trust that all the rest will be here soon, and forever.

“Tripping Over Joy”

What is the difference
Between your Existence
And that of a Saint?

The Saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
That the Saint is now continually
Tripping over joy
And Bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves.

-Hafiz-

Duck, Duck, Infertility GOOSE!

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I thought that when we began the process of adopting, when we made peace with the big IF, when we finished the huge pile of paperwork and readied for our home study, that I would begin to feel more like the “others.” You know, the ones for whom infertility is a remote concept that they feel empathy for but don’t really think too long and hard about.

And then, I was reminded that I will forever, and ever, be the goose. Duck (pregnant), duck (pregnant), goose (clearly not pregnant) and up I spring to chase what I’ll never catch. Welcome to Infant Care Class.

“Now I would like every couple to introduce themselves and if you got blue, yellow, or purple when you walked in tell us what trait you hope that your baby gets from your spouse. If you got red, orange, or green, tell us what unexpected positive thing has come out of your pregnancy.” Oh thank you all things good and great that we got purple. Yet still, how in the world does a clearly not pregnant girl answer that one?

Yes, the world is made for people who form their families through the traditional way. The world sees adoption, or the choice not to mother through parenthood, as “out of the ordinary.” We’re not though, we’re no different than anyone else, we just don’t birth the children we mother through our womb.

And so, we could become angry, we could break down into tears and run from the room, or we could hold our chins up high, take a deep breath, and accept this “burden” that will become our greatest strength.

You see our children–whether ours through parenting or ours through mothering without the title–need us to be sturdy like an oak in the midst of a hurricane. Our children need our voices to be strong, steady, and matured through the fight of a lifetime. Our children need us to proclaim to the world that YES! we are the goose, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

And so with two more classes to go, a room full of pregnant couples, and class content completely designed and directed to couples forming their family through  physical birth, I will be the goose. However this time when I’m tagged, I won’t get up and I won’t run.

When all eyes turn to me, the goose, I will smile, sit tall, and show them that this goose is every bit as much an expectant mother as the room full of ducks surrounding me. And I’ll remind myself that this ugly duckling is not a goose, but rather a beautiful swan transformed through infertility.

Duck, duck, swan.

Infertility: However mean your life is, rise up to meet it and live it

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However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names

- Henry David Thoreau

Tonight my husband was talking about seeing the “hand of God” (or whatever you may refer to as that which is greater than you, your higher power). My husband then proceeded to talk about seeing the backhand of God (as in a backhand smack across the back of the head–Marc Harmon in NCIS style).

We all had a good chuckle; a chuckle that sprang from a personal knowledge of, and experience with, that backhand. Infertility is that backhand.

When life is beautiful, when miracles land at our door, it can be easy to be effusive about the blessings, the “hand of God (your higher power, creator, etc.).” Yet, when life gives us an unexpected smack upside the head, those blessings may not be so easy to locate. And in those moments we can define our lives as rather mean.

Sometimes however, the only way to wake us from our blissful slumber so that we can go where we need to go, heal what we need to heal, unearth what was always meant to be found, and love what our hearts were made to love, is through a surprise backhand.

And so, however mean your life may feel, meet it and live it, do not shun it and call it hard names. For it is often only through that jolting blow that we can be shaken from our indifference and encouraged to rise into our greatness.