Tag Archives: infertility

Infertility: Sometimes Big Trees Fall, Even When There Is No Storm Raging

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969871_10151606254104674_1882541807_nWe live on a wooded lot with many beautiful oaks. A few nights ago a fairly big tree fell, with seemingly no prompting, in the dark and quiet middle of the night.

I walked out the door in the morning greeted by its falling. Somehow it seemed so sad lying there, broken.

Seeing its grandeur forever removed from its reach to the heavens, and now saddled dying to the earth, got me thinking; how many times in our lives, in our path to motherhood, do things fall and break, unexpectedly, in the middle of the dark night?

How many times do dreams fall from their soar to the realm of magic only to crash to the reality of the solid earth? And what do we do when that happens?

In life there are the big, bold, daring drops; the ones that we see coming; the ones that usher in when the hurricane force winds blow in our lives. They are the tests results that tell us more of what we already know, the negative HPTs, the familiar emotions of loss.

However there are also big trees that come crashing down, quite unexpectedly, in the quiet monotony of life. What do we do when they fall to the earth?

Do we cut them up to make firewood, fueling a different future? Or do we turn them into secret forts for others to explore. Or do we just leave them to disintegrate back from whence they came while traveling deeper into the forest in order to plant a new seedling–one that will take the place of the fallen?

What do we do when trees crash, when our life paths change unexpectedly, in the quiet of a night? What do we do when big trees fall, even without a raging storm?

Some of us will plant again. Some of us will start over hoping that this next tree won’t fall. And some of us will get out our chainsaws and cut the dream to pieces with our anger, or with our determination to make room for something else in its place. And others will leave the dream, untouched, as a permanent reminder of the loss.

There is no “right” answer; each of us must plant our forest so that the vista soothes our soul. Yet what there is is the inevitability of the fallen tree, and the beautiful freedom to choose its fate in the garden of our dreams.

Infertility, Adoption: It’s Official?

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photoThose of you out there who are part of my tribe, the tribe of women for whom the path to motherhood is more crooked than straight, know that this journey is not for the faint of heart. You know that as the years pass by the tough scales over our hearts get tougher; our skin gets thicker.

Years ago, yes it’s been years now, I wrote a post about Myrtle the turtle (a pet from my youth who took flying leaps off the second floor balcony). I wrote about the hard shells that we carry around as infertility takes it’s painful blows against a once pliable and soft heart.

The last nine months of my life have shown me that if infertility will harden a shell, adoption will give a woman a steel encased cover.

It’s tough; I’m tough.

And so this week when, after nine months of paperwork and interviews, plus 3 1/2 years of unfulfilled dreams of motherhood, we became “officially” approved and available as adoptive parents, I cringe to say that I really didn’t feel much of anything.

It’s official; the battle is not over, is it ever really over?

It’s official; more peaks and valleys will follow as we wait for the phone to ring, pray that she won’t change her mind, try to figure out how to change our life overnight in a world that doesn’t really get how this all works (and admittedly neither do we).

It’s official; the shell is so hard that the only way to survive the threat of skyscraper falls is to spend more time tucked inside that shell than basking in the sun.

And so I must admit what I hate to admit, it’s official that I’m more terrified than perhaps I have ever been on this journey.

Why?

Because now the fall truly could crush me. Because now for the first time in 3 1/2 years it really could be official. And now, for the first time in 3 1/2 years , someone could come and take it all away an instant after it arrives.

Yet life must go on; I must go on. Because deep down inside I really do believe that when our child, the one who is meant to be with us forever, cuddles into the crevice of my arms and makes a home forever in the crevices of my heart, the shell will crack and the steel case will fall away.

And that is the magic that heals us all. That is the magic that makes a broken heart whole. And that is the magic that keeps me going until the day when that magic is officially mine forever.

Infertility: may it be soon, and may it be forever

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be_here_now_by_mivthevampire-d39u6ybRecently one of my most dear friends relayed to me her every day prayer for my husband and me “may it be soon, and may it be forever.”

No matter where you are on your fertility journey this one prayer is the one silently uttered in the hearts of each person, and so eloquently expressed by my friend. The difficult part however is the relative nature of it all. When is soon, and how will I know it’s forever?

And so for me, and for all of the “we” who make up those journeying through IF, seeking what’s on the other side, whether motherhood or a content life with a key role in the “Auntie Tribe,” I share one thought, just one simple thought, from one of my favorite songs by Ray LaMontagne:

“Be here now, be here now
Be, be here now, be here now”

Don’t let this day pass you by. Don’t let this moment slip from your grips without you savoring its sweetness. Don’t let tomorrow steal one glance, one smile, one hug. Be here now.

Trip over joy because you do not have a thousand more serious moves, you only have to surrender to today, and to trust that all the rest will be here soon, and forever.

“Tripping Over Joy”

What is the difference
Between your Existence
And that of a Saint?

The Saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
That the Saint is now continually
Tripping over joy
And Bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves.

-Hafiz-